I have a friend who always hits on me. We have not seen nor spoken each other in 10 years. He was with this person who I absolutely hated. Him being with her cost us our friendship. He found me on facebook a few months back. He will not stop hitting on me. He keeps asking me to be with him. I tell him no. I have asked him to talk to me like a normal person. Our conversations always quickly steer to the fact that he wants to be with me. I keep telling him it will never happen. I set some ground rules. 1. Limit compliments. You have not seen me in 10 years, how do you know I still look or act the same? 2. No pet names. I call all my friends Hunnie, but he takes it too seriously so I decided to nix pet names. 3. Stop talking about the future. My here-and-now is all up in the air and a mess. 4. No sex talk. You are not using me to get yourself off. 5. Communicate. Talk about real things going on in your life, not just what you think we would be doing right now if we were together. When we finally get a conversation going, he says "I'm going to go before you stop talking to me. Goodnight sexy." Then he signs off without anything else. I remind him of the ground rules constantly. He says "Ok. I'll be good." Yeah right. He tells me if he leaves a conversation in the middle of it, it will leave me wanting more and I will miss him and pine for him in his absence. Sorry, no. He doesn't get that we don't know each other at all anymore and things that he might think are funny might just be stupid and pointless to me. Ten years is a long time and the difference between 20 and 30 with a crapstorm of life happening in between. I was having problems with my computer already when he messaged me a few days ago. His message stated that he couldn't message me because he was busy. Seriously. I said he was a loser then asked what the point of that was. I didn't give it a thought until he messaged me later saying "If you knew me at all, you would know I was joking. I have been nothing but nice to you and I don't need this. Later...." I wrote him back and reminded him of the ground rules I laid down and that we don't know each other and he won't allow me to really get to know him. I told him it's hard to be friends with someone who treats you like that. He wasn't being 'nice'. He was doing exactly what I asked him NOT to do. I asked a male friend why this guy would do something like this. He said flat out "His ego won't allow him to accept that" while his brother chimed in that he might just be a "stalker". I understand that. I know men have this crazy need to hunt, but if the prey is shooting at you, why wouldn't you give up? How much telling off do you really need before you finally give up?
I guess the good to come in all of this is that he finally stopped talking to me. It's a weight off my shoulders. Writing this was my closure.
Relationships are a game of chance. Friends, family, significant others.. I'm talking about anyone. You meet someone and things are going great. Then something happens. A life event that turns their world upside down. It may have nothing to do with you, but the change they are about to embrace will affect you.
Can someone do a complete personality 180?
Can they go from being your sweet pal or significant other to someone who picks fights with you about everything you used to agree on?
Were they like that all along and were putting up a front so you wouldn't see their true selves?
There are many arguments from both sides.
I met someone years ago who always had a smile on her face. She would never have a bad comment about anyone and always made it a point to build people up. She lost her father in a car accident. I would never have seen it coming, but she went to a very dark place where she still remains today. No longer was everything rosy. She is extremely negative and now goes out of her way to put people down and hurt them. On the one side, we could say she has never lost someone close to her and she had absolutely no coping skills whatsoever. Her method of grieving was to make everyone as miserable as she is. The other side will argue that she was always a heartless bitch, but was merely holding her tongue and not speaking her mind. I guess only her diary knows the truth.
Another example is my husband. We knew each other before we dated. Yes there were things about him that irked me. I'm sure a few of my own habits drove him a little batty as well. All in all, we had a good solid relationship. We were friends first and held to that, even when we started dating. He was the first person I told things and vice versa. Our lines of communication were always open and we could talk about anything. After we got married, we had a honeymoon baby. It was a very rough pregnancy, but we managed and I thought we were okay. Then he started spending more time at work. Longer hours and more time to complain to his coworkers. He stopped communicating with me and kept the talk flowing with them. I told him it bugged me. He started talking to me again, only for me to discover his affair. Once that was 'out in the open', he took it as a thumbs-up to keep seeing her. I was in shock. He would come home, sleep, spend a few minutes with the baby then off to work he would go. He even started finding excuses to go on his day off.
Could I have seen this coming?
Depends on who you ask. I thought we could figure out and get through anything, but here he was trying to escape his responsibilities by dating someone else. Some say he was a dog all along and now was just showing the world who he was. I refused to believe that one. I have trust issues. Major ones. I tried like mad to find any little reason not to be or stay with him. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.
Life is not fair. Some people catch the short end of the stick more than others. What influences a major personality change? Is it just merely someone showing their 'true colors'? I guess everyone has their own opinions about this one.
As for me, I believe I married one man and ended up being married to someone who couldn't handle marriage. He had no idea what he was getting into and no amount of explaining will help either.
They say every girl marries her father. Apparently I am no different. Being adopted, I have a Father (who knocked up my mother) and a Dad (who raised me). As I observe my crumbling marriage, I realize something: I married everything that irritates me about both my Dad and my Father. So, how did this happen? I have no facts, just clues.
I know what you may be thinking. "You knew this when you got married." Nope. My husband did a complete 180 after we got married. He was one person when we dated (sweet, kind, thoughtful) then he figured "Ok. We're married now. I can be whatever and do whatever. She won't leave me."
Any guy with this mentality is in for a rude awakening..
One thing he did that neither my Dad nor my Father did: had an affair. A deep emotional connection type of affair. I still to this day do not know if it was physical or not. He said he felt unloved. What? I asked him to explain. He shrugs and says "I don't know." When I told him we should split, he said, "I thought you said divorce wasn't an option." Ummm. I thought you said cheating wasn't one.
Wow. I know, right?
The more I thought about it, the more I figured I had to make a list and see what my mind was going through. Steven Tyler once said "Talk to yourself and you'll hear what your heart wants you to." Ok, I thought, here goes.
My Dad had a hard time staying awake when he was home. He had a job that required a lot of physical labor so he was always exhausted. He IS however, the only person I have ever known who can doze off holding a cup of tea on his knee and not spill it! I'm still impressed by that! My husband has some sleeping disorder that he refuses to get checked out. He falls asleep mid-sentence, standing up, behind the wheel (the most dangerous). He snores louder than my Dad ever did. Two members of his family were diagnosed with sleep apnea. Still refuses to get it checked. At least my Dad stayed awake if there was something important my Mom had to discuss. My husband does not.
My Father was emotionally constipated. I guess in his heart he was trying to show us he loved us, but it came across wrong. He had a severe alcohol addiction and wasn't willing to part with it to help raise his kids. Even now when I talk to him, he will bitch about things in life but won't change them. Tons of empty promises.. "It will change" "I will do better" "We'll call you", the list goes on. My husband has said the same thing to me over and over and over. I am working on a split (I plan on having all my ducks in a row not just leave and see what happens) and he just keeps telling me he will change and things will get better. In the 3 years since his affair, I have yet to see any inkling of a change. Same old crap.
"You should put a diaper on your face because that's where the crap is coming out." - Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
My Dad was very negative. At times, it shattered my self-confidence. I would bring home a report card with mostly A's and B's some C's, then there would be that one bad grade. One. He would harp on that until he was blue in the face or Mom stopped him. The rest of the grades would be acknowledged but not praised. It was more of a "Good job on these , buuuut.." type things. My 4yo daughter is always drawing pictures for us. She writes our names on them. When she writes an 'S' backwards, he goes CRAZY! He doesn't even say 'thank you' before he goes off on her telling her she wrote his name wrong. Seriously? It is so irritating and every time he does it, I see the look on her face and I think of my Dad and the report cards. *By the way, I should mention she does it on purpose. I have seen her other words and school work and she writes her 'S' just fine.*
My Father babied and spoiled us when he was around because he wasn't around much. He would always take us everywhere and buy us things. My husband does the same thing with our daughter. He is constantly spoiling and coddling her. He rarely disciplines her and she is a completely different person when he is around (whiny, bratty, etc).
My realizations have helped me to understand the real core of my marriage crumbling. You can't end up with someone who reminds you of everything you hate. Once someone has changed, it is damn near impossible to change them back. I need to focus on me and my daughter. Do I still believe in marriage? Yes. My Mom and Dad have been married for 37 years next month. It can work. BOTH parties have to have the desire to work on it. If a relationship is only one-sided, it will not survive.