Tuesday, March 13, 2012

How Did This Happen??

They say every girl marries her father. Apparently I am no different. Being adopted, I have a Father (who knocked up my mother) and a Dad (who raised me). As I observe my crumbling marriage, I realize something: I married everything that irritates me about both my Dad and my Father.
So, how did this happen? I have no facts, just clues.

I know what you may be thinking. "You knew this when you got married." Nope. My husband did a complete 180 after we got married. He was one person when we dated (sweet, kind, thoughtful) then he figured "Ok. We're married now. I can be whatever and do whatever. She won't leave me."

Any guy with this mentality is in for a rude awakening..

One thing he did that neither my Dad nor my Father did: had an affair. A deep emotional connection type of affair. I still to this day do not know if it was physical or not. He said he felt unloved. What? I asked him to explain. He shrugs and says "I don't know." When I told him we should split, he said, "I thought you said divorce wasn't an option." Ummm. I thought you said cheating wasn't one.

Wow. I know, right?

The more I thought about it, the more I figured I had to make a list and see what my mind was going through. Steven Tyler once said "Talk to yourself and you'll hear what your heart wants you to." Ok, I thought, here goes.

My Dad had a hard time staying awake when he was home. He had a job that required a lot of physical labor so he was always exhausted. He IS however, the only person I have ever known who can doze off holding a cup of tea on his knee and not spill it! I'm still impressed by that!
My husband has some sleeping disorder that he refuses to get checked out. He falls asleep mid-sentence, standing up, behind the wheel (the most dangerous). He snores louder than my Dad ever did. Two members of his family were diagnosed with sleep apnea. Still refuses to get it checked. At least my Dad stayed awake if there was something important my Mom had to discuss. My husband does not.

My Father was emotionally constipated. I guess in his heart he was trying to show us he loved us, but it came across wrong. He had a severe alcohol addiction and wasn't willing to part with it to help raise his kids. Even now when I talk to him, he will bitch about things in life but won't change them. Tons of empty promises.. "It will change" "I will do better" "We'll call you", the list goes on.
My husband has said the same thing to me over and over and over. I am working on a split (I plan on having all my ducks in a row not just leave and see what happens) and he just keeps telling me he will change and things will get better. In the 3 years since his affair, I have yet to see any inkling of a change. Same old crap.

"You should put a diaper on your face because that's where the crap is coming out." - Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

My Dad was very negative. At times, it shattered my self-confidence. I would bring home a report card with mostly A's and B's some C's, then there would be that one bad grade. One. He would harp on that until he was blue in the face or Mom stopped him. The rest of the grades would be acknowledged but not praised. It was more of a "Good job on these , buuuut.." type things.
My 4yo daughter is always drawing pictures for us. She writes our names on them. When she writes an 'S' backwards, he goes CRAZY! He doesn't even say 'thank you' before he goes off on her telling her she wrote his name wrong. Seriously? It is so irritating and every time he does it, I see the look on her face and I think of my Dad and the report cards.
*By the way, I should mention she does it on purpose. I have seen her other words and school work and she writes her 'S' just fine.*

My Father babied and spoiled us when he was around because he wasn't around much. He would always take us everywhere and buy us things.
My husband does the same thing with our daughter. He is constantly spoiling and coddling her. He rarely disciplines her and she is a completely different person when he is around (whiny, bratty, etc).

My realizations have helped me to understand the real core of my marriage crumbling. You can't end up with someone who reminds you of everything you hate. Once someone has changed, it is damn near impossible to change them back. I need to focus on me and my daughter. Do I still believe in marriage? Yes. My Mom and Dad have been married for 37 years next month. It can work. BOTH parties have to have the desire to work on it. If a relationship is only one-sided, it will not survive.

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