Thursday, August 30, 2012

"Happy" 60th..

If my Mother was still alive, she would have turned 60 today. In my recent reflections, a song kept coming to mind. It haunted me, in fact. Every moment I wasn't occupied with something else, it would pop back in. I heard it in the background of my dreams, no matter what was happening.

It was a song my Mother used to play when I was a child (and still living with her). Usually, when a song consumes me like this, it means/meant something to me. There is no doubt my Mother loved music. She introduced me to Rick Astley (I actually LIKE being "Rick-rolled"), Taylor Dayne ("Honey I'll beeee your shelt-ah...") and the Beach Boys ("Kokomo"!!!) to name a few... but there was obviously a frame in my memory attached to this song that I wasn't connecting the dots on.

I'm the type of person that can do something (whether it be wash dishes, play a game, hear a song, etc) and I can tell you what I was thinking the last time I did that. This has been both good and bad for me, as you can imagine. I had to listen to this song probably a dozen times before it came to me..

When I was about 5 or so, my parents had a typically crazy fight. If I was awake, I sat there just wishing it would stop and praying it would be over soon. My Father left afterwards. He always did. I would venture to the living room to check on my Mother. This particular time, she had switched on the record player (shows how old I am, huh?) and put this song on.

She was just sitting there, staring off into space while I stood there watching her. Finally, her eyes settled on me. I froze. Most times, she would tell me to go back to bed, yelling until my stubborn ass moved. That didn't happen this time. Instead, she took a breath- and burst into tears. It wasn't the first time I had seen her cry and it certainly wasn't the last breakdown I witnessed, but somehow the look in her eyes got me. This woman was so strong in my eyes, but there are times when even the strongest people you know need to cry it out. I sat there next to her, not knowing what to do, until she finally wiped her eyes, hugged me, told me she would be okay and sent me back to bed. This song was on virtual repeat the entire time.

For you, Mother, as you are celebrating your birthday with the angels.
I love you and miss you more every day.
Happy 60th Birthday, Mama.

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