Thirty-Something

My birthday is September 11th. Yes, you read that right. I bet you couldn't read it without reacting a little bit, huh? I'm used to it by now. Everyone has a reaction. Even if they don't say anything, it's written all over their face. Some examples:
-Years ago, I was on a date. He asked when my birthday was. Since he was a police officer, I hesitated then told him. He got up, walked out and I never heard from him again.
-A little over 8 years ago, I was in a car accident. Several people stood around with clipboards asking for my info. When I gave my birthday, all of them stopped and looked up. I just said "No comments, please. Not in the mood."
-A few years ago, a few friends and I went out for my birthday. Someone at the next table actually yelled at us for celebrating. He told me the day wasn't worth celebrating. I told him it was my birthday. He rolled his eyes and said "Don't lie to me." I showed him my driver's license and told him where he could put his own drink.
Yup. I've gotten used to the weird looks and ridiculous comments. I'm sure Ludacris, Harry Connick Jr, Taraji Henson, Moby, Virginia Madsen, Ed Reed, Lola Falana, Mickey Hart & Tommy Shaw (to name a few) all get the same reactions. Google it. They all share my birthday. To answer your question: I was home enjoying a day off when my sister called my brother to tell him to turn on the news. It was my 20th birthday.

ANYWAYS..

For me, my birthday is a time to reflect on the year and make goals for the next one. So, how did my year go? Meh not so good. I set goals for myself last year and got nothing done. This year, I'm more determined than ever...
*My treadmill and I will remain friends. My knee and I? Not so much. My knee pretty much screams every time the treadmill and I are hanging out. I shut my knee up with some meds because my treadmill has helped me lose 15 lbs so far. Sorry, knee, but I'm sticking with the treadmill.
*My desk WILL be organized. It's coming along nicely already. Most of the stuff is in place and I'm unearthing all the piles of stuff my husband has buried and am going through each thing. I leave no paper unturned.
*I will not be put in the middle anymore. My family does it and sometimes my friends do it. I'm tired of being thrown in the middle of some dramatic standoff. I'm Switzerland. Get used to it.
*I will not only trust my gut, I will listen to it. I always get a feeling about a situation, but I always let my heart win out. I feel sorry and help people who don't deserve it, only for them to take advantage. I'm over doing that.
*I'm going to make more time for my hobbies... and actually finish something!

That's what has been on my mind all week. Here's to being 31 and loving it!

Do you reflect and set goals on your birthday?

Nap = Panacea?

Mini started school this week. I had no idea it would be so hard for me. It's not so much that "my baby's growing up *sniff sniff*", it's more "I'm too paranoid to trust these strangers to keep her safe". I knew my paranoia was going to bite me in the tuckus though..
I have done my best to keep busy, but to no avail. It pains me to admit I was so depressed, I ended up napping all afternoon all three days. That's how crappy my coping skills are. Sleep is my remedy for anything. Sleeping helps pass the time. My phone is near me, in case the school calls, but I have chosen to ignore life. The crappy weather hasn't been helping my mood much either. My body and my emotions are in full-on rebellion mode!
Yesterday, as I cleaned and got my house ready for company, I did a lot of thinking. I can't do this to myself anymore. Yes, napping always makes me feel better.. It's my go-to stress reliever.. But the avoidance isn't healthy. Sleeping all afternoon is just not helping at all.
I have made a list of things I need to do this week and I am determined to figure out how to deal with this in a sane way plus my birthday is this week which will help a little with a distraction. I now have time to finish all those projects that I want to, but don't want Mini in my hair while I'm doing them, so I'm doing my best to look on the bright side of things:
*I can finally set up my "office". I got a brand new, obnoxiously big desk (LOVE IT though) and my stuff is just kind of thrown on there. I can finally bring some order to the chaos.
*I can Pinterest my way through my crafting supplies. I found the tutorial on how to turn an old t-shirt into a scarf. My sisters and adopted Mom liked them so much, they requested some for Christmas! I can get them done early..
*I can scrapbook! The second I pull out the scissors and glue sticks, Mini wants in. She loves making projects. I like subway art and found a ton of printables for Fall, my favorite season. I want to collage them all and now I can on my own!
*I want to make the protein powder I just bought my bitch. I can Google and Pinterest til my heart's content for recipes and actually MAKE THEM without someone clamoring for a taste then complaining about it.
*I can rearrange Mini's room. Little by little, we worked all summer to transform Mini's room. There are a few different storage ideas I have for her stuff though. She balks at any idea I have, but when I just do it, she loves it. I now have the time to do that!
*My house will stay 50% cleaner! Mini wakes up, dresses, has breakfast then gets on the bus. When she gets home, she has a snack and this week, will have homework. By the time we are done with dinner, she is one tired kid, yet seems to have an insane amount of energy still. However, with her gone from 8:45 to 4 everyday, there will be no mess made during those hours!
 I hope this next week will be a little easier than last week. My brain just always fears the worst and that's just something I need to work on, but at least I can acknowledge that. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

"Happy" 60th..

If my Mother was still alive, she would have turned 60 today. In my recent reflections, a song kept coming to mind. It haunted me, in fact. Every moment I wasn't occupied with something else, it would pop back in. I heard it in the background of my dreams, no matter what was happening.

It was a song my Mother used to play when I was a child (and still living with her). Usually, when a song consumes me like this, it means/meant something to me. There is no doubt my Mother loved music. She introduced me to Rick Astley (I actually LIKE being "Rick-rolled"), Taylor Dayne ("Honey I'll beeee your shelt-ah...") and the Beach Boys ("Kokomo"!!!) to name a few... but there was obviously a frame in my memory attached to this song that I wasn't connecting the dots on.

I'm the type of person that can do something (whether it be wash dishes, play a game, hear a song, etc) and I can tell you what I was thinking the last time I did that. This has been both good and bad for me, as you can imagine. I had to listen to this song probably a dozen times before it came to me..

When I was about 5 or so, my parents had a typically crazy fight. If I was awake, I sat there just wishing it would stop and praying it would be over soon. My Father left afterwards. He always did. I would venture to the living room to check on my Mother. This particular time, she had switched on the record player (shows how old I am, huh?) and put this song on.

She was just sitting there, staring off into space while I stood there watching her. Finally, her eyes settled on me. I froze. Most times, she would tell me to go back to bed, yelling until my stubborn ass moved. That didn't happen this time. Instead, she took a breath- and burst into tears. It wasn't the first time I had seen her cry and it certainly wasn't the last breakdown I witnessed, but somehow the look in her eyes got me. This woman was so strong in my eyes, but there are times when even the strongest people you know need to cry it out. I sat there next to her, not knowing what to do, until she finally wiped her eyes, hugged me, told me she would be okay and sent me back to bed. This song was on virtual repeat the entire time.

For you, Mother, as you are celebrating your birthday with the angels.
I love you and miss you more every day.
Happy 60th Birthday, Mama.

Grow Up Already! -Rant-

I have been friends with C since high school. Well, if you want to call it that.
C is one of those people that will call you incessantly if she needs a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. If she is in crisis, everyone has to rally around her. If you need her? She's nowhere to be found. You text and get no response. You call and no call back. You do whatever you can to help make her life easier but heaven forbid she go out of her way to help you. she won't even call you for your birthday, but she will get upset if you don't want to drive the 4 hours to visit her for hers. Everyone says, "Well that's her." Well then, she is a selfish ass that I don't need to be bothered with anymore.

Now onto my sister. She barely acknowledged my 30th birthday last year. She said it was no big deal because no one got to celebrate their birthdays. Ummm... You made a huge deal when your friends turned 30. Everyone gets a party but me? For the record, she is already planning her 30th, which is another 3 years away. When I complain, what am I told? "She's the baby." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! She is 27 years old! It's time to grow up already.

The most ridiculous part about all this is these two are the ones who are always telling me how to live my life! Both seem to have this idea in their heads that I need 'help' and they are the ones qualified to give it to me. They always give me relationship advice (which, if you knew these two, is a joke!), parenting advice (neither has kids nor is even close to it), the list goes on..

WHAT?!

I don't talk to my sister often anymore because I'm tired of her stupid opinions. It's sad because we used to be close. I have given up on C because I'm weeks away from 31 and it's time to rid myself of excess baggage. It's time to shake off the people who aren't worth having around anymore.

Have you ever had to limit contact with someone? Why?

I Think This Is The Beginning...

..Of a beautiful friendship.
It's time to buckle down and get to improving myself. I've waited to bring this baby home for eons! I had to wait for both money and time to put it together..

Meet my new baby:

Pic Courtesy of Dick's Sporting Goods

I haven't picked out a name yet (or a gender for that matter), but my new workout buddy and I had a great 30-minute session today. It's about time I got my butt in gear! My knee (holy arthritis pain batman!) is pretty pissed off right now. It gave out on me and I almost tumbled down the stairs, but hopefully it will get used to it. Now, I have no excuses. I don't have to drive to a gym and deal with a thousand (okay maybe 20 or so) stares as I huff and puff through my mile.. I can do so in the privacy of my own home with only Mini trying to use it as well.

Here's to starting on the journey to the new me!

A Time To Be...

This week, I was at two family events: a christening and a funeral. That has never happened to me before and it struck me as a little odd, but very "that's life". Here is my friend's son, 3-month-old A with endless potential just starting his life and there was my Great Uncle F, an 89-year-old Army Veteran who served in World War 2 and was playing online chess with his own son just over a week ago.

A Time To Be Born and A Time To Die

Last Sunday, I held A as he giggled, cooed and cried. He is a happy baby, doing his best to hold his head up and start standing. He is so ready to just be mobile and get going. I thought about how much potential I was holding in my arms at that moment. It's the same feeling I get whenever I hold a baby, including when I held my own. This child might be a doctor and find the cure for Multiple Sclerosis (fingers crossed!) or he might be a firefighter and save a life. He might be a tax agent or an office bigwig. For now, his limit is the crib but soon it will be the sky. I hope the world is kind to him and he gets everything he wants out of it. I was snapped out of my thoughts by a phone call.

As I passed A off to his Mother, I answer a call from my adopted Mom. Great Uncle F passed away that morning. I remember visiting him when I was a kid. He was always so happy to see us, laughing and joking, offering us food.. It was a 2-hour drive to see him, Aunt A and Aunt M, but it was always worth it. We used to get Pizza Hut then there would be some bakery dessert. As a kid, that's food heaven. Here I was at a christening, receiving funeral arrangements. Immediately, I wanted to go. I knew it would be a 2-hour drive there to be there for 2 hours then the drive home, but I didn't care. I wanted to be there. I wanted to see Uncle F and offer my condolences to Aunt M.

Uncle F's obituary was available online and as I read it, I was reminded of all he will be reunited with in the afterlife.. Grandpa (his brother) and his other brothers, Great Grandma, his sister and even his daughter. I decided not to be sad because he is being reunited with his family right now. Pictures of A's christening remind me that when one life ends, another one begins. It's been quite a week. Life is precious. Hug your loved ones.

How is your week going?

This Is Me... Dying of Embarrassment

Once in a while, I like to take Mini out to dinner. It's not usually anywhere fancy being that she's five and all, but we do go out. Last night, I decided to take her to the Smoothie Cafe. If you have never been there, I highly recommend it. They are awesome and it's one of our favorite places to eat. 

We had done some shopping and were getting a little tired, so Mini suggested the Smoothie Cafe and I shrugged and said, "Sure why not?" Excitedly, Mini skips through the parking lot. I tell her I would like to take the food to go this time and ask if she minds. "Nah. We can go home." YES!

She orders, I order and we wait. We have been watching a few Olympic sports at home so she runs over to the flat screen near the opposite counter. Men's Diving is on. 

"Mommy is that the Olympics?"

"Yup. It's diving."

"They have a pool, Mommy. That's called swimming."

I explain the difference and she keeps watching. *BING* Our smoothies are done and we are just waiting on our food. 

She is watching intently. "Mommy..." 

"Yeah?"

She points to the screen at a swimmer who is a little more *ahem* "equipped" than his teammate and says rather loudly, "Mommy, that man has something on his vagina!"

My jaw drops. I think to myself 'yup that just happened'. I just say "I have no idea how to answer you right now."

The man behind us starts to laugh, then buries his face in his phone, typing furiously. He was probably sharing my daughter's observation with his nearest and dearest. Red-faced, I try and ignore what Mini said and ask her what kind of chair she wants in her room to read her books on. She wants the saucer chair we saw but didn't get. 

*BING* 

OH THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY THE FOOD IS DONE! I take the bag and hightail it out of there. Out of the mouths of babes... comes red-faced embarrassment for the parents. That's how the saying goes right?